The Birth of a Mother
How to acknowledge the transition to parenthood and not lose yourself along the way
I had just given birth to my daughter about an hour earlier when my family and some friends came into my hospital room to see the baby. It was a long day and night and they had all been waiting patiently. There was so much love, excitement, and magic in the room. They were passing the baby around and taking pictures as I sat half paralyzed from my epidural and starving. I remember feeling like I was watching everyone from a different room almost like an out of body experience. As everyone was leaving, my friend was going through her pictures and said, “There are no pictures of Joanna. Did anyone get a picture of her?” The response, jokingly, was
“Who’s Joanna?”
As funny as it was (and is), it also marked my poignant identity shift. In that moment, a new version of myself was born. Instead of just being Joanna, I was now Harper’s mama.
The Value of a Mother
The shift to motherhood has many unspoken implications especially in a capitalist society. If you have been career-identified, society values that because you are getting paid for your work. Becoming a mother may bring about a career shift (for a time) which may mean less paid work = less value. The transformation to motherhood gifts you with a new job and it is all unpaid labor. This can be extremely disorienting and difficult to meet these shifts in perceived value. Some mothers find that they are transforming into their truest selves. That their identity is finally realized the moment they become a mother. There is no simple story here and the path to motherhood transformation surely isn’t black or white or even linear. We are much more than our labels or the roles that we play. We may latch onto a label to make sense of some of the things we are experiencing (co-sleepers, swaddlers, pacifiers, cloth diaperers, breastfeeders) but after a while the container gets too small and can limit us from embodying all of who we truly are. The questions below are a great way to start putting some language around your identity. Whether you are in transition, about to be, or have been right where you are for a while, these prompts can be great starters to getting a deeper understanding of who you are.
How does the world see you?
Who does the world expect you to be?
Who are you?
The Perfect Mother Myth
There are many potential reasons why this myth even exists and I won’t unpack it all. There are internalized expectations that stem from upbringing, media, religion, social media, etc that all come together to form this myth. The Perfect Mother may look different for each person. For example, the perfect mother happily mothers all the time. Being a mother comes naturally. Her home is always clean and meals are always home cooked and healthy. She is physically fit and is always put together. She has enough money and an acceptable number of kids. She is a financial contributor to the family but never puts work before her kids. She’s selfless and takes on all the household labor. She takes on all the mental and emotional labor of grocery lists, kids schedules, school details, etc. She knows how to effectively practice self care. Not only does she perfectly take care of everyone else, she takes care of herself, too. The bottom line, perfection isn’t real and it never will be. These expectations only set us up for failure and that’s where Mom Guilt is born. Not only does striving for perfection set us up for guilt and shame, it also teaches our kids that they have to be perfect, too. I think one of the greatest gifts we can give our kids is to be exactly who we are. We are humans with emotions, who get tired, angry, sad, and don’t always have the answers. Dr. Sophie Brock, a social scientist specializing in motherhood studies, has a beautiful exercise that helps deconstruct the Perfect Mother Myth. Below are her journal prompts…
The perfect mother is…
The perfect mother feels…
The perfect mother never feels…
The perfect mother looks like…
Good mothering looks like…
Good fathering/secondary caregiving looks like…
Acknowledging the Transition to Parenthood
The internal work and preparation you do is just as important as all the physical work and preparation of transitioning to parenthood. Being purposeful in taking time to reflect, journal, and be present with yourself will pay off. Getting a clear understanding of who you are and who you want to be when you become a parent can give you a sense of grounding when it feels like you’ve lost yourself. This is powerful work and can give you an opportunity to set your intentions and opening your heart and mind up to who you can become. You can look at multiple aspects of your life.
Your Relationship
What goals and values do you want to honor?
How do you want to mark your time together before baby arrives?
Are there a few small daily things you can do to connect?
How to divide the household labor?
How to come back to each other when the new baby demands most of the attention?
You Career
Do you want to be celebrated before you go on leave?
Do you want individual goodbyes?
How do you want to mark this transition before you leave knowing you will come back changed. You will be launching a new phase of your life and career when you return.
Your Leadership Development
How do you let go of the past?
How do you enter a new beginning?
Do you know how to find your inner knowing to guide your decision making and leadership style
Do you know how to make space for yourself to tend to your mental, physical, and emotional needs.
How I Can Support You
One of the biggest transitions in life is going from being a working person to a working parent.
Parental leave is the most overlooked leadership development and growth opportunity whether you are an employee or an employer.
Through our evidence-based approach, I help new parents leave (and return) and help companies retain and develop their key talent.
During the transformation of becoming a parent, ones personal and professional roles are completely rewritten. A supported transition can help a family flourish. When employers support the parental leave transition, it has a positive impact on families and on the organization’s culture and bottom line.
Becoming a parent changes your identity, not just your day-to-day life. If there was ever a time to have a dedicated coach in your corner, now is the moment.
Center for Parental Leave Leadership
Thank you for taking the time to join me each week. If there’s anything I can do to support you, please let me know.
With Gratitude,
Joanna