Parenting as an Introvert

To those of you who really know me, it is not news to you that I am an introvert. In many ways, I am as textbook as it gets. And in true introvert fashion, I also feel the need to explain there may be a little more to us introverts than meets the eye. Being an introverted parent has some pretty big strengths and of course, some tough challenges. Truly, no matter where you land on the spectrum of introversion to extroversion, becoming a parent can challenge your energy and connection. The dichotomy of parenthood is profound and at times can feel lonely even when you are never alone.

Parenting Challenges of an Introvert

Sensory Overload

Most nights after my kids go to bed, I have to get under a big, soft blanket alone. My reasoning - I’m all touched out. With babies, it’s exponentially harder because they require way more physical touch through holding and feeding. Naps and bedtime were vital to me because it gave me time to breathe. I also had an overstimulating job as an elementary music teacher. That’s 7 hours a day of music, noise, drumming, recorders, singing, talking and alllll the sweet student hugs. I have a high tolerance to noise, but touch can be a little trickier for me and I realize I need those moments under my big, soft blanket to recharge.

Play

Play is very hard for me. Honestly, I carried a lot of shame with this one for a while. As a child, I played all the time. I had a wild imagination and my Barbies had all kinds of crazy story lines and dilemmas. Now, I struggle to come up with dialogue playing Barbies. I can’t enthusiastically co-create a story for the dolls. I can not physically pretend I am a dinosaur in a battle. I can not. I think the introvert side of me struggles with improvisation. I live in my head and there is a lot going on in there. I love to watch my kids play and truly enjoy being with them. I just find it extremely hard and draining to join them in the imaginary improvisation of play.

The Longing for Deeper Conversations

This one really affects me and can bring me to a lonely place. I value and crave true connection, deep conversations, and feeling like I am seen and heard. I absolutely know that those bonds and deep connections are made with your baby in all kinds of non-verbal ways. For me, a deep and meaningful conversation brings me to life. When someone asks me intentional questions and listens to me, I am no longer lonely. I often feel most lonely when I am stuck in small talk, when someone is dominating the conversation (not in instances where something valuable is being shared and I am choosing to hold space in love and support), and when I am in large groups. As a parent, there is no doubt I am needed and valued, but it can often feel one-sided and leaving me feeling drained and lonely.

A side note on loneliness

According to the Harvard Graduate School of Education, a new report shows that 51% of mothers with young children feel “serious loneliness.” It is no wonder loneliness has increased substantially with the pandemic. Loneliness can infiltrate our health both mentally and physically and can present a greater risk for cardiovascular disease, dementia, depression, and anxiety.

In Brene Brown’s Atlas of the Heart, she explains, “In the workplace, loneliness reduces task performance, limits creativity, and impairs other aspects of executive function such as reasoning and decision making.”

Loneliness can be serious and it’s important to call it out and recognize it when we feel it. Make a plan for what you need to do when you feel lonely. When those feelings arise, turn to your go-to for connection. That might be texting a friend, having a deep conversation, making plans, group exercise, etc.

Parenting Strengths of an Introvert

We are great listeners

This one has always been a natural trait for me and one I’ve been conscious of refining for a while. The power of a good and active listener can be just as, if not more healing than great advice or a solution. Introverts are often slow to speak and try to craft their words carefully before responding. This has built a lot of trust already with my almost nine and seven year old. They know their voices are respected and heard.

We are empathetic

I love being able to offer my kids what I often need in times of sadness, pain, or distress. When my kids come to me with an emotion or a conflict, I often ask, “Would you like to work through this together or would you just like for me to listen to you?” And when they come to me with a hard emotion, I tend to feel it right there with them. An empathetic parent doesn’t judge or discredit their child’s feelings or say, things like, ”You’re okay. Nothing to be sad about. Don’t worry.” Empathy is such a powerful tool to create trust, validation, and love.

We are strong leaders and great creators and respecters of boundaries

I always thought a great leader was someone who was loud, assertive, extroverted, and basically the opposite of me. While those can certainly be traits that make up a great leader, I know there are many different types of strong leaders and we need all different types. Introversion does not equal timid, shy, indecisive, and small. In fact, I believe introverts make incredible leaders at work and at home. Introverts, as mentioned above tend to be empathetic, good listeners, well thought out, speak carefully, and create strong and equally respect boundaries. In Jennifer Kahnweiler's book, The Introverted Leader, she makes a strong case for why introverts make great leaders. She states that these types of individuals do these four things which she calls the “4 P’s Process”: They prepare. They’re present. They push themselves. And they practice.

1. Introverts PREPARE. When addressing their team, giving presentations or networking with colleagues, introverts don’t wing it, Kahnweiler said. “They spend time thinking through their goals and preparing for questions, which gives them an edge.”

2. Introverts are PRESENT. “When introverts are with you, they’re with you,” Kahnweiler said. Because they prepare extensively, they’re able to go with the flow and stay in the present moment. They don’t multitask, instead giving individuals their full attention.

3. Introverts PUSH themselves. Introverted leaders challenge themselves, Kahnweiler said. “They’re conscious about stretching and growing.” They also help their introverted employees push themselves.

4. Introverts PRACTICE. Kahnweiler uses the analogy of injuring your hand and having to use your other hand. “You never write like you do with your dominant hand, but you learn to adjust.” For instance, if public speaking is a challenge for you, practice is what’ll help you move into mastery, according to Kahnweiler.

With any personality trait, there is power in self awareness. Being able to identify where you may struggle and where you may shine can help you step into your fullness. You can meet your challenges with more strategies and grace and celebrate your unique strengths. If you aren’t sure where you land on the personality spectrum, take this quiz by Adam Grant here.

As always, I’m here for you and love helping parents thrive at home and work. If there’s anything you are curious about and want me to cover, let me know!

With Gratitude,

Joanna