Is Maternal Instinct Real?
We’ve heard the term time and time again, Maternal Instinct - the magical ability of a woman to transform seamlessly into motherhood right after her baby is born. She will know exactly what to do. She was born for this.
I remember vividly, one night in particular. My daughter was just a few weeks old. I would start to panic around 6:00 pm when the sun would set and the witching hour began. The dreaded time of night where the crying was intense and felt never ending. Nothing was working. I couldn’t decipher if it was hunger, anger, boredom, discomfort, exhaustion, or what. I couldn’t figure it out. I’m supposed to know my baby’s cries and what they mean. If I were a good mother, I could soothe her. As I held her, swaying, we both sobbed. I didn’t know what I was doing but I just knew I was doing it wrong. I remember feeling like I should know and that maybe I just didn’t have it.
What I didn’t understand what that my maternal instinct wasn’t instant. It needed to take time to develop through practice and experience. What if we all stopped to consider maternal instinct in this way? We then remove the power it has over our self-worth. If we know that this is an instinct that must be practiced, developed, nurtured, and learned, we can move forward without the guilt and shame when it doesn’t just appear naturally.
Is Maternal Instinct a Myth?
Health and Science journalist, Chelsea Conaboy shares her research and enlightening take on the concept of maternal instinct. She says, “…researchers around the globe have found that the adaptation of the human parental brain takes time, driven as much by experience - by exposure to the powerful stimuli babies provide - as by the hormonal shifts of pregnancy and childbirth.” I highly recommend her compelling NY Times opinion, Maternal Instinct is a Myth that Men Created1
Conaboy’s book, Mother Brain, How Neuroscience is Re-Writing the Story of Parenthood2, she explains her disorienting shift into parenthood and how she was blindsided by the complete identity shift as well as the changes in her brain. She writes, “New parents undergo major structural and functional brain changes, driven by hormones and the deluge of stimuli a baby provides. These neurobiological changes help all parents - birthing or otherwise - adapt in those intense first days and prepare for a long period of learning how to meet their child’s needs. Pregnancy produces such significant changes in brain anatomy that researchers can easily sort those who have had one to those who haven’t. And all highly involved parents, no matter their path to parenthood, develop similar caregiving circuitry. Yet, this emerging science, which provides key insights into the wide-ranging experience of parenthood, from its larger roll in shaping human nature to the intensity of our individual emotions, is mostly absent from the public conversation about parenthood.”
How Parenthood Changes the Brain
One particular area of interest for neuroscientists to research is the amygdala. It is an almond-shaped set of neurons which help process memory and emotions like love, attachment, anxiety, fear, and anger. Researchers have found that the amygdala grows in the weeks and months after the baby is born. It can be a little shocking for a new parent to experience an emotion like anger right after baby is born. Anger could be a sign of an unmet need or a boundary being crossed. It could be the holding on to the shoulds of parenthood or self criticizing when parenting isn’t coming as naturally as we think it should. We can meet every feeling with curiosity and dig a little deeper to see how our brain is trying to communicate something that may be living under the surface. The expanding amygdala is part of what makes a parent’s senses hyper-sensitive in those first weeks and months. Sounds (baby crying), lighting, smells (newborn smell, dirty diapers), and even touch (constant baby holding) are all enhanced during this time. This is what throws parents into hyper-responsiveness while managing an increase in brain activity. This causes the brain to become much more sensitive to things like anxiety, depression, and OCD. For a more in-depth look, read What Happens to a Woman’s Brain When She Becomes a Mother3
Let’s not forget the Dads! New research4 is out and it shows that dad brains change, too. In first time dads there are certain areas of the brain that decrease in size from the prenatal to postnatal period. These decreases in the dad brain are less widespread than what is seen in the birthing mother, but it is proof that pregnancy isn't the only cause of these changes in the brain.
Mother Brain at Work
If and when you return to work after baby, there’s some good news! Those changes in your brain have some great benefits and can greatly impact your work moving forward. I’ve seen parents (me, too) become super workers in the time that they have away from their kids. You find ways to become super efficient and maximize every minute of your time while your kids are being cared for. When I went back to teaching after babies, I remember when school was over, I had 45 minutes of contract time before I could leave school. Those 45 minutes were FILLED with all the work that had to be done. Planning, prepping, email, etc. My boundary was to never take work home and when I picked up my kids, they were 100% my priority. Everyone has their own boundaries and structures, but I stuck to mine and surprised myself at how much I could get done in a short amount of time.
Another shift a working parent may feel is the shift from “me” to “we”. This shift take you to thinking in a more broad and global level. This is the very reason why you may cry or tear up when reading a story about child hunger across the globe or a heart wrenching story about a child you’ve never met. Your perspective is broadened your capacity to empathize is greater. It’s time we harness the incredible benefits of becoming a working parent and acknowledge the undeniable transformation that has taken place.
I hope this research and these resources give you hope and curiosity. As always, I’m here for you and in your corner. Cheering you all on!
With Gratitude,
Joanna
https://www.nytimes.com/2022/08/26/opinion/sunday/maternal-instinct-myth.html
https://us.macmillan.com/books/9781250762290/motherbrain
https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2015/01/what-happens-to-a-womans-brain-when-she-becomes-a-mother/384179/
https://academic.oup.com/cercor/advance-article-abstract/doi/10.1093/cercor/bhac333/6691667?redirectedFrom=fulltext